The Game

By Tony DePhillips

Life is a game

I think one thing that might make it hard for some people who left or got booted out of Corporate Scientology is the lack of a game.

While inside the “church” I was fully engulfed in the game of “going free”, “going OT”, “Clearing the planet”, whatever you might want to call it.

After I wrote my letter of resignation to the “church” I felt a loss of a game. Sort of a “what do I do now?” feeling.

This is when I started to examine what game I was playing and what game would I now play. For me the main game I was playing was “ going free”. What this meant for me was an escape from the seriousness of having a meat body and the life and death cycle. I felt that the only way to do this was with and through Scientology.

I no longer think that.

My mother was not a Scientologist. She and I had many long talks about it and she started to believe in past lives from talking to me about it even though she was a Christian.

Later on her life my mom had many physical illnesses and I started to think she was a hypochondriac.

One day my mom called me up and asked me to come and visit her in Arizona as she wasn’t sure how much longer she would be around. I thought this was more hypochondriac type behavior and I was on OT7 so I politely declined. A couple of weeks later one night as I was getting ready for bed I felt an odd confusion and my space felt very black. This was a foreign feeling to me, this particular feeling. I sensed it had something to do with my Mom. The next day my dad called me and told me my mom had a stroke and was in a hospice center and didn’t have long to live.

I flew to Arizona right away and when I got to my mom’s room she was lying down and appeared unconscious. I started to talk to her and it was easy since we were very close and we both loved each other very much. As I talked to her she started moving her body around even though she was “unconscious”. I sensed that she knew what I was saying so I kept talking to her. I felt that she wanted to say something to me but couldn’t, so I just kept talking. All of a sudden she sits up and looks me right in the eyes. She couldn’t talk, but she looked at me as she had never looked at me before. I felt she was “downloading” into me all the love she felt for me and was saying her goodbyes to me. Very powerful.

The next couple of days passed and nothing eventful happened. Then the next time I came to visit her my older sister was there too. For some reason I “knew” that my mother was going to pass away in the next bit of time. I don’t know how I knew it but I did. My mom was lying there with a sheet over her and no wig on or make up, just as she was. My sister and I started to tell her how we loved her and what a great job she had done as a mom. We both started to cry and were watching her breathe slower and slower, as we continued the validations and reassurances of her. I was consumed in my own grief when she took her final breath. All of a sudden I perceived her shoot out of the body and it seemed I heard her shout “Yahooooo!!” in extreme enthusiasm. I was very shook up and left.

Later I talked to my sister and she felt that she had perceived the exact same thing as me. My sister is not a Scientologist.

My conclusion and why I brought this up is that I have a firm belief that there is life after death.

That was the most spiritual experience of my life and I had gone up to OT7 in the “church”.

My game now is to enjoy life. Do things, have fun, if you want to get auditing then great. If you want a house, then play that game. The important part is to enjoy yourself. I think everyone will be separated from their body at some point and I do think that your state of mind when you leave is important. Don’t be festered up with overts and don’t be PTS to some cult trying to bully you into doing with your life what they want you to.

I still believe that people are basically good and will do things as ethically as possible. They will not always succeed but I think most will try their best. LRH talked about the spirit of play. I always liked that concept.

Does life have to be so serious?

There seems to be good reason for it being serious, but if you look a little deeper, maybe all these “serious” human situations are all “games” and don’t really matter that much. Just as my mom was riddled with illness and had ceased to enjoy life many years earlier, when I saw her escape the body and her elation, I knew there was hope. That is my reality at least and may not be yours.

That was something my mom taught me. Thanks Mom!! I love you! Wherever and whoever you might be now.


56 thoughts on “The Game

  1. Hello Tony. I thank you, and your Mom.
    I too, since resigning from the church, have become far less serious. And I’ve create new games that I want to play – not ones foisted on by staff and SO. And underneath all this is the realisation that was less responsible and self and pan-determined than I should have been, prior to resigning.
    The sky is blue, blue again this morning. And I’m thankful that you’re there in the picture too.

  2. Brilliant !
    For myself , The Official Church of Scientology has simply reduced itself to a waystop that is fading away. It used to stand for Freedom and the State of OT and all the things LRH and his family embraced. The Game of Life is far greater than the idiot activities being pursued by the gang running the waystop now.
    I have my part in life and I know where I am going and what I will be doing, now and in the future. The State of OT and auditing using tech that works – Rons Tech – is what features. The Church – that’s the dim past – just look at their comm lag and levels of untruth. The Spirit is gone but the body hasn’t found it out yet.

  3. Brilliant Tony, something you said really stood out to me. You said your sister, the non-scientologist also experienced the same thing you did when your mum left her body. It just shows that you don’t need to spend a fortune to find spiritual enlightenment/freedom. Its a state of mind and your willingness to perceive, learn and be open to life. Very well said, love it!

      • I agree Mocking Jay. Tony, thanks for this. I had a similar experience with my mom when she passed on. She came back to “visit” me a few weeks after that and also made a visit to my niece who is not a Scn. And my niece perceived her without a body just fine. We Scns do not have a monopoly on spiritual awareness.

  4. Excellent article! Life goes on and we have a chance to play a better game outside the church than we did while in. Working on spiritual enhancement for self and family is one of the highest purposes as it gives us the ability to be pan-determined in the larger game of life. Even those who are engaged in the noble activity of bringing the church to justice need spiritual enhancement or they can become locked in a low-toned game from which it is difficult to extract oneself.
    One does not have to be in session to get enhancement as many have attained it through reading and study of timeless wisdom. The important thing is to be open to life!

    • Well said David.
      By the way, you have stood out over time as one of the most rational people that have left the cult.

  5. I had to stop and think about the Scientology game after reading your excellent post.
    This sentence had some “charge” on it, for me.
    “What this meant for me was an escape from the seriousness of having a meat body and the life and death cycle”
    It dawned on me that the “Bridge” is an attempt to get you out of the cycle of life and living. Somehow convincing people that the life and death cycle is bad and whatever they are selling is good….What are they selling, BTW, I really would like to know. Going exterior – dead – forever?
    It has not accomplished that and can’t. You will die – no proof that we come back scientifically.
    I also feel repulsed that L Ron Hubbard referred to our bodies as “meat bodies” …some how degrading it.
    I am alive and have this life. I am going to live it to the fullest. I have no evidence from Scientology or any other religion that I come back. I don’t know what happens when we die and neither does anyone else. NO proof anywhere for millions of years!
    So – I will be me – a human being with a body, mind and spirit. I will take care of all three because they need each other in order to have a good life NOW!
    Peace and love – Happy Mother’s Day to all mother’s out there! If you lost one to Scientology or never became one from Scientology – another reason to walk out and stay out!

    • Hi Idle Morgue.
      I agree that I guess nobody has “proof” that we come back or live again. I have my own proof but I don’t think it would stand up to scientific scrutiny. Nonetheless I believe what I believe and don’t really need validation of it from anyone.
      The term “meat body” I can see how some might see it as offensive. I never really took it that way. To me it made me be less serious about things that go on with a body, or happen to a body.

      • Tony – I can see how that may make one take my “body” less seriously however, I watched Scientologist’s go to the Org day in / day out with no exercise, eating ramen noodles and drinking emergenc-E. These are primarily staff members that really let themselves go do hell.
        There were illnesses and early deaths quite abundant in the tiny group of people.
        So – while I hear you that this “term” meat body could be used to slightly minimize importance has been maximized in Scientology to get as much slave labor and money out of people as possible – and that is what I am talking about. The overall effect this had on members and staff.
        I always hated hearing Scientologist’s refer to “the body” like it is a separate entity.
        The other term I don’t like because it minimizes the importance is 2-D, Tuu Dee in place of husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend and family. I found this term minmizes the family and spouse to the point of straight up and verticle stats of divorce amongst this tiny group of people!

      • I agree with you IM.
        These things can be taken too far and I can see how using these terms could get into de-sensitizing abusive behavior. I am positive that a lot of the things you are talking about were greatly abused in the Sea Org for example.
        Once I was being regged by Rudy a Sea Org member in Planetary Dissem area of the FLAG AO. He was telling me how they had been operating on little or no sleep for weeks and that if LRH could do so could they. I think he also used it as a regg tactic to try to lay a guilt trip on me so I would give more cash and it usually worked.

      • Hi IM,
        I never looked at the use of the two terms “meat body” and “2D” as you describe them. I think these are very astute observations I think these terms are used in the Sea Org (and more broadly) in exactly the way that you say – to excuse and promote slave labor, and to minimize the reality and importance of marriage and children.
        Very perceptive, IM, if you don’t mind my saying so.

    • Idle Morgue,
      I recommend that you read Ian Stevenson’s work on reincarnation.
      Also as far as more evidence, check out the studies on Ingo Swann & Hal Puthoff (OT VII) who did exteriorization experiments with ~ 85% accuracy.
      As far as what is sold, is not just exteriorization, there are also tools on how to deal with life, upsets, communication, word clearing, investigations, management, and a ton of other subjects. So to think it’s all Dianetics and OT levels is to miss the forest for the trees when the Bridge actually includes a number of other subjects as well. (PS not in the church just my observations)

  6. Lovely story, Tony. Having experienced a similar loss, your story gave me a feeling of peace.
    I also experienced that feeling of having lost a game or purpose to life. It didn’t last long 🙂 Now that I am free of the restrictions scientology put on my thinking and emotions, I found much relief and freedom which increased every day. I really believe we all have to travel along our own spiritual journey. Find what is comfortable and right for yourself. I don’t need a “big” game of clearing the planet (now now now!), saving mankind…blah blah blah.
    Being grateful for my life as it is, enjoying and loving the people I choose to have in my life and choosing to live each day as it arrives is all part of it. Letting others choose their own path is also part of it. I don’t feel the need to impose my beliefs on anyone anymore.
    I do not believe that any person, living or dead has all the answers, or “the route out”. I don’t want “out” – I like my life.

    • I agree Draco. 🙂
      Chasing the dream of “going free” was a real hamster wheel for me. The Bridge to freedom turned out to be a big trap of slavery.
      I still agree that auditing is very good, done under sane conditions. I could imagine how someone’s life could turn out if the auditing was done at a reasonable price and at the same time letting them chase their dreams and live life. Instead the crazy cult would get people all discombobulated trying to get them to play the cult’s games and pulling people off of their own goals and games. All you have to do is read stories like Shelley’s and many, many others on the internet.

  7. Thank you. That was such a fantastic story!!!! I too truly intend to splurge on this new freedom and love of life and livingness!

    • I am very happy for you Lisa. You are one of the lucky ones who made it out still relatively intact.

  8. As usual Tony another insightful article that serves to inspire and talk about, well done! Livingness is just that, living which so happens to include be do and have. All of it not just one of! Our time outside the bubble can still be very rich and eventfull without impossible odds and straight up and vertical target attainment!
    In addition my family and I whisked ourselves to a weekend of tree planting. I personally planted over a hundred saplings in aid of reforesting africas last southern most wet forest! The comradery, elan and excitement was just fabulous! I learnt to see ecosystems and nature in a completely different way! Met musicians, part time clowns (red nose and all), space tree hugger hippies and normal conservationists! I mention all this to illlustrate what Tony says. We all need to see just how much theta, love and wonderous things exist outside the church and even scientology sometimes! Leave DM, exposing the church, this blogg for a wee while and just live..
    Then back normal and in session I go 🙂
    P.s. if I were still in the church I would probly be doging a fund raiser or two, swiping my card for another release or handling some emergency somewhere.. FUCK THAT!! I’lle live instead, I’m allowed to do that now and then. You wonder why some SO people go nuts, they are not permitted to live!

    • Great reply Sheeplebane.
      One thing I sometimes think about is all the cash I gave the cult. What could I have done to help those near me? I was donating with the idea that the cult would really be putting this cash to good use and be helping people to learn to read and get off drugs and so forth. When I learned that the library campaign was just a hoax I was shocked. All the money dm uses to fund his privileged lifestyle while he abuses other hard working Sea Org members, I am sure that I have helped fund some of this.
      I could have used my cash to donate to local causes, loan people money that were my friends, hell, even give people money sometimes as an act of good will.
      I don’t regret yesterday. I am here today and doing well. My wife an I are really enjoying life. I have received auditing outside the “church” from time to time when I feel I need it. It’s nice to be able to do things when I want to and play the games that I’m interested in..

      • Yeah its a wonder sometimes that people still want to associate at all with Scn after these tragic abuses. It’s a spiritual concentration camp now! Us survivors need to just keep communicating, suporting and when ready carry on with our spiritual journeys. I really do believe this is the best option. Its great to have all you chaps and chapesses to speak, listen and argue with – real pleasure! 🙂 Morris cant wait to hear more of your stuff too mate!
        Time for a good sleep cause planting trees and living makes the body it tells me. Genight!

    • That’s the main reason why I never joined the SO. I was pretty sure that I would go nuts if I weren’t permitted to live.

  9. Nice story Tony… I felt really moved by it…
    The Church is just a church, and it’s not an important thing. What we have learned there from the tech which is true for us, is ours to use. We cannot underestimate what we got from LRH. And he is not the Church… I feel at peace knowing that i’m no longer a member of the Church and still have the right to use and enjoy what I learned in Scientology.

  10. Tony, what an awesome story. It really resonated with me. I have my elderly mom living with me. She has supported SCN all her life, worked with LRH and served over 15 years on staff, which included her signing another contract in 2011 at the age of 80 – half days as the letter reg. Sadly, she suffered a small stroke last year and had to end cycle on her service.
    Because she lives on my property (she could never afford to live anywhere else as she gets a very small pension) and because I have now been declared (by rumour), she too, has been “shunned” by the Church – not officially, but she has systematically been dead-filed. They even tried to prevent her from attending the GATII event last year unless she signed some major legal waiver because of her connection to me (and I had not even been named in any ethics action at this stage). An 81 year-old woman????? Despicable.
    The worst was her getting a text message (not even a call) from a life-long SCN friend of hers who used to visit her every Wednesday. This “friend” told her she was disconnecting from her because of me. The joke is that this same friend spent hours and hours nattering to my mom (and me) about the Church and how she HATED Ken Krieger (the CO CLO) who she considered had destroyed the PE Org and treated one of her daughters abysmally. She considered the SO had ripped her family apart, and blamed the Church for destroying her other daughter’s marriage when they declared her husband. This same woman wont attend events and refuses to go near the org. Her daughter even personally asked me to remove her mother from the call-in lists of the org……. this daughter happens to be the current C/S of Joburg Org.
    All of that aside, I am eternally grateful that I have been able to spend these years with my mom as she ages, and I know the day will come when I have to say goodbye to her – for now. In the meantime, I just want to make her life as comfortable and happy as I can. Your story really inspired me and gave me hope in this regard.
    Love Shelley

    • Hey Shelley,
      It never ceases to amaze me how some people who are apparently “awake” to the cults abuses, cow down when push comes to shove.
      I guess it is easy to talk the talk but not so easy for some to walk the walk.
      I think you guys got out just in time. How people could disconnect from you and your husband after all you did is beyond me. In the “wog world” in a lot of organizations if you donate $5,000 dollars you are a hero. What you guys did for Scientology, if you had done that for some other charity you would probably have achieved “rock star” status. And I also think that if you donate to some groups they don’t try to destroy you if you criticize how they are doing things. I think this is all pretty standard outside of the crazy cult.

      • Thanks for the ack, Tony. I was also a pretty good FSM – which I am still doing – just in reverse gear 🙂

      • You know the LRH reference on how a thetan is basically good and that they will try to put their own ethics in, one way or another? The only thing I can think of with the cult (and ultimately dm) declaring so many great people SP is that he is trying to create so many enemies for himself that have the capability of putting his ethics in. He is fighting his own cause, meaning he is actively fighting the enemies he himself created. Pretty insane, but you can also see how he really wants to be stopped. I think he will ultimately get his wish.

  11. Tony. What a great write up. Thanks for that.
    Interesting spiritual views that resonate with most of us on this blog, I am sure.
    I sat at a restaurant 8000 miles from where a friend lived. He was OT 8. I had a sudden urge to talk to him. Hadn’t spoken for a quite a few years. It was an odd moment. Out of the blue and it was an urgent sense. I immediately got on the phone and tried to track him down. I had no contact data, email, cell nada.
    I tried his last org that I thought he was connected to and they eventually gave me his wife’s number. He had passed away a few months before. And I had no idea. My understanding was that my friend was very clearly aware that I had him slotted as alive and he wanted me to “get with the program!!” Just like he would have, knowing him very well.
    On that day, I had him right there in the restaurant with me. Clear as day. I could almost “hear” him chuckling.
    Your story brought him right back. Fond memories Tony.

    • I believe it.
      One time my wife called me on her cell phone and wanted to know if I knew where a certain street was. I told her I didn’t and just as I said it, I looked up and I was looking at the exact street sign she needed to find. It was a small street and very obscure, not a main street. I looked at the odds of me being in the exact spot at the exact time and they seemed pretty astronomical. Another example of extra sensory perception.
      The truth is, in my opinion, that lots of people in and out of Scientology experience this sort of thing. I do feel it is proof, at least to me, that there is a spiritual side of life that goes beyond the human experience.

  12. nice article
    if you ask me you can make more progress on those goals outside the church than inside it so i wouldn’t be bummed about those at all…

  13. Thanks for posting that fine article, Tony. I could tell a somewhat similar story of my father (Alan Cooke, whose Scn history goes back to the 1950s), at the time he was leaving the body and a communication he gave me 18 months later, but I’ll save that for another time.
    Games are fine, as long as we are playing them voluntarily and have the freedom to end or change them a any time. Games start out being voluntary and fun; but it’s easy to go downscale into compulsive games playing as importance gets added in. This can even happen with a very high-toned game like ‘going free’, as the game accumulates mass, rules and referees who redefine freedom to suit themselves.
    The way out of a compulsive game is through voluntary game playing, until we can reach the no-game condition on native state. What then? Why, start another game 🙂

    • I’d love to hear your story sometime David. Maybe you could write it up and post it here on this blog?

  14. Tony,
    That was a very touching story.
    Thank you for sharing it and I’m not being cynical.
    Honestly I enjoyed the game I was playing in the Church of Scientology when it was just about auditing people and training auditors to audit people and moving them up the levels and grades.
    Then somewhere along the line the game became something else.

  15. “My game now is to enjoy life. Do things, have fun, if you want to get auditing then great. If you want a house, then play that game. The important part is to enjoy yourself.”
    “Chasing the dream of “going free” was a real hamster wheel for me. The Bridge to freedom turned out to be a big trap of slavery.”
    These resonated strongly with me. Having fun and gettting off the hamster wheel ….. especially the latter was one of the most freeing experiences I’d had in a long time. Fun has always been important to me but there were many years in the church that I wondered if I’d ever have it again!
    “I feel at peace knowing that i’m no longer a member of the Church and still have the right to use and enjoy what I learned in Scientology.” – FG.
    Another great feeling – peace! And applying Scientology that works for me but without feeling that I was a Scientologist, particularly. I’d paid money money to learn this tech. I don’t owe anyone anything for having it and for using it. That’s why I’d paid for it.
    A really great post, Tony.

  16. A really well written write up Tony.
    Totally Duplicate you – When my mom left us
    my sisters and father all told me mom was in the
    bedroom and they all told me when she left the
    house -after her funeral and they are all Christians!
    A Thetans perception has nothing to do with their
    religion – all three had certainty on what they perceived
    and they were correct!
    Life is a game and as far as I am concerned if you do not
    play the game of life you are a slave to the Church or DEAD!

  17. Tony, my friend. What a great send off for your Mom. Gee, and getting THAT response from her in return ? (Yahoooo!) If that wasn’t the ultimate expression of feeling free, at last??? 🙂
    Yes, I wasn’t as fortunate, with my own…. missed the goodbye … 5 minutes too late, getting to the hospital. It was a sobering moment, as I began to absorb the actuality, in a strangely calm, acceptance. …. duplication……understanding…. as-isness. The tears came later, of course, but with appreciation, for who she had been, and the sacrifices she had made, for me, her only son.
    That was in 1978, seemingly a lifetime ago, now. We ourselves, you and I, have matured, with our own families, and we have also both bust out of that Mind Prison of David Miscavige. Naturally, therefore, each and every day, is just amazing to me, for similar reasons to you.
    Having last been on org lines over twenty years back, I heard from a friend about Miscavige’s takeover. I discovered Marty’s blog, and rushed in like an over eager puppy, thinking it was going to be a great place to make lots of new friends, and renew some of
    the ‘games’ we played back in the day LOL. What a rude awakening… and how!
    Dead Agenting(D/A), Trolls, OSA 3pty’ng…. the whole TRIP.!! … I had NO idea whatsoever, where/ what, this was all about. You did though, hahaha 🙂 Sam Domingo too!!
    Yes, that was over two years back, and boy, have we been through the coffee- grinder ever since. Decompression, Marty calls it. Good description, and I’m assuming we both are pretty done with that whole chapter, by now.
    Now for the good stuff, Tony! I must say that your notion of ditching the ‘seriousness’ in favor of having fun & Games again, has never been more important, than it is now.
    In fact, I had a life changing realization, also about two years back, that I WAS TAKING LIFE FAR TOO SERIOUSLY! ….Like, Whaaaaaaaaaat?????? I’ve wasted 64 fucking years of my life, and only found that out NOW????????? Good God, that is just insane!! 🙂
    Okay, okay, before I get totally carried away line charging about this stupidity on my part, just let me say this to you and all. — NOTHING can get me down, anymore! I have gained the ability to As-Is ‘Seriousness’ as it occurs, no matter the circumstances. I believe the secret, to lie in the inherent capacity of each of us to ‘laugh’ at anything, at will, especially one’s self. (There are no have-to’s, to your considerations, therefore you really are free to look-on-the-bright-side, never SEE the glass empty, laugh, joke, and see the vast amount of ‘humor’, potentially in ANY situation. Don’t comedians do just that, anyway?? And it’s understandably BIG business these days. People ‘know’ they need cheering up, hey?
    That is not to say, that one should neglect to show a concerned ‘face’ or demeanor, or words, when the occasion demands it, merely that one does NOT have to take aboard, the burdens of another, in ‘solemn’ agreement. Conversely, I have found that people in such circumstances, should rather be, yes, comforted, at least, but then most definitely cheered up into a better frame of mind, whereupon they can better confront their ‘problem/s’ But you already know this (and probably practice it most of the time too,Tony) 🙂
    Here’s a very simple formula, that anyone can use, when the going gets ‘heavy’:
    * ‘Seriousness’ (compromise of sanity) = inflow = mass = introversion = LOSE
    * Laughter (restoration of sanity) = outflow (rejection) = lightness = extroversion = WIN.
    So bring on the ‘good times’ they really are just a ‘consideration’ away, anytime you wish!
    Life sure can test you, but what better way to pass that test, then really laughing at it? 🙂 🙂 🙂 – Calvin.

    • Great post Calvin.
      Never think that you’ve wasted time my friend. It’s all valuable training.
      I think you stand out as one of the best at keeping in your spirit of play.
      Keep up the good work mate! 🙂

      • Well thanks for the compliment Tony! And BTW, both you and Mike Rinder have served as great role models in your own spirit of play!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s